Friday, August 26, 2005

Armed and dangerous

Our blogging homeboy Zach posted today on the woes of former major league pitcher Dwight Gooden and current pitcher Sidney Ponson. Gooden is facing legal action after driving away from a cop during a traffic stop, and Ponson is (yet again) charged with DUI. It is the paunchy Ponson's second DUI to go with allegations of decking a judge on an Aruban beach this past offseason.
Zach tells us to consider any major league pitcher to be dangerous, and to approach with caution. Below is a list of major league pitchers to, in particular, be aware of. Certain groups should not mingle with certain pitchers.

David Wells: dangerous to George Steinbrenner and Joe Torre, as well as any other general manager who has the misfortune of having a "handshake" deal with his team when the Yankees come calling. Also dangerous to people who like to walk down the street eating hero sandwiches and drinking beer in plain view.

Brad Penny: dangerous to Florida Marlins bat boys who accept $1,000 dares to drink a gallon of milk in under an hour.

Pedro Martinez: dangerous to Einar Diaz. Also presents a danger of vocal strain to Yankee fans who think "who's your daddy" is the funniest phrase ever concieved.

Bob Wickman: dangerous to the blood pressure of Indians fans. Probably also a danger to people who like to eat hero sandwiches and drink beer in broad daylight.

Kenny Rogers and Randy Johnson: dangerous to cameramen. Dangerously seductive to arbitrators.

Roger Clemens: He will eat you and use your bones as jewelry, then strike you out. Don't make eye contact. If aproached, place a firm but confident hand on his head and say "down!" in an authoritative voice.

Sidney Ponson: See David Wells and Bob Wickman. Also presents a danger of headaches to people who are wracking their brains wondering how, exactly, he's still on a major-league roster after two DUIs and punching out a judge.

The starting rotation of the New York Yankees: dangerous to people who believe in the concept of "aging gracefully."

Jack Morris: dangerous to people who would like to believe their team's first pennant race in four decades is more important than a wheat crop in Montana.

Gaylord Perry: dangerous to batters who didn't want to get splashed with a foreign substance when the ball whizzed by. Also a danger to umpires who didn't want to have to physically undress another man in front of 27,000 people.

Joe Niekro: dangerous to umpires who are phobic about flying emery boards.

C.C. Sabathia and Dontrelle Willis: dangerous to ex-Marines who had to do 50 push-ups if their hat was so much as a degree off center.

Dwight Gooden: dangerous to pretty much everybody. His f-bomb in the ear of umpire Joe Brinkmann, however, ignited a playoff series win for the Indians in 1998, and remains a classic playoff moment in Cleveland.

1 comment:

Abrasivist said...

Are we not due for a Daryl Strawberry off the wagon shocker?