Thursday, October 13, 2005

Grand Theft Auto: NFL

Sex! Violence! Assaulting authority figures!
The only thing the NFL is missing right now is a cheat code for fellatio.
Sunday, Buccaneers cornerback Ronde Barber took a swing at Jets center Kevin Mawae in a scuffle and somehow his fist found an official.
Oops, said Barber, he was defending himself against the much heavier Mawae, who refused to get his hand off Barber's face mask. The official just happened to be in the way.
Good thing Barber didn't try to defend himself by attempting to kick Mawae in the groin. He was fined $30,000 as it was.
As the Ravens continued to melt down with a 35-17 loss to the lowly Lions Sunday, the officials were the intended targets of cornerback Ed Reed and defensive lineman Terrell Suggs, who were both fined $15,000 for "impermissable contact" with officials.
The incidents Sunday made the Ravens even easier to dislike, and intensified scrutiny on coach Brian Billick, who it appears more and more is an arrogant jerk to those outside the organization, but coddles his players like a Butch Davis clone.
If the Ravens don't turn around, Billick's days in Baltimore are numbered. But there is one coach who might be shown the door even faster.
Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration, Vikings coach Mike Tice.
When Tice himself was implemented in an investigation for alleged Super Bowl ticket scalping this off-season, it was only the tip of the iceberg.
Now, the Vikings have been fingered in the worst sex-allegation case to hit the sport since the University of Colorado was the subject of an NCAA investigation into alleged "sex parties" for recruits.
Earlier this week, a number of Vikings players were on Lake Minnetonka cruise boats that reportedly featured women in various stages of undress, and some Minnesota players might have been involved in sex acts.
Cornerback and boat passenger Fred Smoot reportedly denied the allegations vehemently, saying somebody is "going to have to pay" for trying to destroy his reputation.
"They're killing my name," Smoot told "Point blank. Somebody's going to have to pay for it." "Going to have to pay for it"? He reportedly meant taking legal action, but that comment still doesn't sound good.
But what can one expect from a league where Kellen Winslow Jr. nearly killed himself crashing a crotch rocket in a parking lot, where Ray Lewis pleaded guilty to obstruction in a double-murder case, where Jamal Lewis just got out of the hole after doing time on drug conspiracy charges?
Maybe Ricky Williams has it right. If the whole league was high on reefer and studying holistic medicine, everyone would be too stoned to embarrass themselves like this.
On second thought ... Abrasivist has it right. Just issue every new draft pick a nail gun and table saw and tell them to have fun.

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