Like LeBron James said Monday, we can't predict the future. As much as we want it, there is no 100 percent chance he'll be a Cavalier in three years. At least until he puts his name on a contract extension, which he can't do until next summer at the earliest.
But I'm still glad to hear him put his foot down and put away the conniving scumbags from New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Boston, etc. who believe it their birthright to have LeBron lapping up the spotlight in their towns.
You hear that, Spike Lee? Take a cold shower when you get all hot and bothered dreaming of LeBron James in a Knicks uniform.
Who'd want to go to the Knicks, anyway? Sure it's Broadway and bright lights and grease paint. But if you want to win a title, the New York Knicks is a bad place to start. They are going to be bogged down with overpaid players for years.
So please, Eddy Curry. Sign for as much as you possibly can in New York.
Who'd want to go to the Lakers and try to co-exist with Kobe Bryant? Who'd want to go to the Bulls, a team that just got markedly worse by dealing Curry to the Knicks?
And who, Bill Simmons, would want to play for the Celtics? Last I checked, the Red Sox and Patriots are where it's at in Boston. Any person or achievement that made the Celtics a marquee franchise is memorialized hanging from the rafters, covered in dust.
Simmons, you chowderhead shill, I know when you say there is a better chance of Leo DiCaprio appearing on a "Growing Pains" family reunion than LeBron staying in Cleveland, I know you are breathing heavy as you imagine LeBron in Celtic green.
Climb in the same cold shower with Spikey. That should take care of that.
You big-city mouthpieces are like gnats, buzzing around Cleveland, trying to plant the seeds of doubt in LeBron's head, biting your knuckles, hoping the Cavs fail, hoping LeBron will consider the Cavs beyond hope and will rush in to rescue your beloved teams.
There are other fans in other cities that no doubt fantasize about LeBron playing for their team. The difference is, you big city jackals have the bullhorn to making insinuations about the Cavs and owner Dan Gilbert's purported meddling. You are constantly in the media, whispering heaven-knows-what to heaven-knows-who about LeBron, where he wants to go, what rumors surround him, ever constantly trying to trip Cleveland up, trying to pry LeBron loose.
Cleveland doesn't deserve LeBron, you think. LeBron belongs in a real city with a real team, you think. And what better city than Boston? Simmons says.
"Boston? Get real! LeBron's a New York man!" Spike Lee retorts.
"East Coast? And deal with all that snow and cold?" interjects Jim Rome. "Hell, no! He's coming to L.A. and getting hooked up with some fine So-Cal honey!"
"Screw all of you!" snaps Jim Belushi. "We all know LeBron loves MJ, and he's going to play for MJ's team! Da Bulls!"
"Hey mama. Y'all bein' cruel if ya think LeBron's not playin' for the Memphis Grizzlies," says the ghost of Elvis Presley. "And you know what I say. Don't be cruel."
You can see why LeBron finally slammed his hand on the table Monday and said enough is enough.