A heartfelt apology

Kellen Winslow Jr. issued an formal written apology from his family, via the Browns, over the river and through the woods yesterday for "an unwise attempt to learn to ride a motorcycle without a professional instructor in a controlled environment."
His whereabouts, injuries, and overall status of his existence on planet Earth remain a closely guarded secret, much like Saddam Hussein. But even Hussein was photographed in his skivvies.
One can only imagine what the writing and editing process of the apolgy issued Thursday was like. So imagine we must...

OK, Kellen, fire away.

"Ahem. Uh ... yeah ... I'm Kellen Winslow Jr. and uh ... I .. I'msorryicrashedmymotorcycle."

Sorry, Kellen, what did you say?

"I said I ... I ... Geez, are you deaf or something? I said I'm sorry, or something."

For?....

"Cr ... for ... Crashing my bike. There! I said it! I'm wrong! Are you happy?"

Just for crashing your bike?

"And for trying to learn a dangerous activity barred in my contract without proper supervision or lessons. What is this, Get Kellen Winslow Day?"

No. And you apologize to whom for disappointing whom because you won't be doing what this season?

"Uh, to my dad for not living up to the stifling, suffocating expectations that come with the Kellen Winslow name..."

No, Kellen. You apologize to the Browns -- check that -- the Browns family. That sounds more personable. You apologize to the Browns family for disappointing the fans because you won't be playing this season.

"Uh, yeah. And I also apologize to the Starboyz for failing to execute that sick endo I was trying to emulate. You guys are the sickest, crunkest motherfu--"

Kellen, we're not going to be swearing or mentioning the Starboyz in this apology. We're trying to create some distance between you and motorcycles right now. Now, who is hurt the most by the fact you won't be playing this season?

"The Cleveland Browns. Breaks my heart. How are they going to win without me? I just hope they don't have to forfeit any games because I'm not there, like my agent Mr. Poston says."

No, Kellen. You are hurt the most. You are. No one is more disappointed by the fact you won't be playing this year than yourself. It's called empathy. It makes you look like you share the pain of everyone around you.

"Are we done yet? I left my Xbox on pause, and it'll burn out if I leave it on too long."

Yeah, I guess so. We'll just have some PR people polish it up and send it to the media.

"Cool. Hey, you know what? I think I'm done with motorcycles. I took up a new hobby. Once my leg gets better enough, I'm going to start riding all-terrain vehicles. The guy at the dealership said they are like 100 percent safer than motorcycles. I'm getting an ATV delivered next week. It's going to be sweet!"

Kellen ... oh, nevermind....