Monday, February 27, 2006

Ungrateful idiots

Count The Toledo Blade's John Harris and's Chris Broussard among those who think the fans who booed LeBron James during Friday night's loss to Washington might have just convinced him to leave town as soon as possible.
C'mon. It's Cleveland. The black cancer on the face of planet Earth, right? we were fighting an uphill battle to keep him anyway. With everything going against Cleveland and the Cavaliers like it routinely does, something stupid was bound to happen that makes LeBron wake up, say "Hey! What am I doing? Cleveland sucks! The weather's cold, the people are ungrateful idiots with fifth-grade educations, and I can't find a good piece of hoochie ass anywhere. I'm outta here! Jay-Z, get that Nets contract out, I'm headed east!"
(By the way, Clevelanders: how many of you were offended by the above psuedo-quote, and how many of you said, 'Yep. That's pretty much Cleveland in a nutshell.'")
Since Murphy's Law applies in Cleveland more tha anywhere else, it is perfectly permissible to believe that all the hard work put into keeping LeBron, all the money spent by Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, all the moves made by Danny Ferry, all the effort notched by Mike Brown, could be completely undone by some droplets of spittle from a few frustrated, and possibly drunk, fans.
When Dan Gilbert sits down and offers the sun, moon and stars to LeBron this summer, we can all fully expect him to say, "Sorry. Back on Feb. 24, I missed four straight free throws and the fans booed me. No deal."
It's Cleveland, after all. Dumb shit blows up in our pathetic, miserable faces on a regular basis. Don't expect any better.
And the condescending national media thinks so, too. They know LeBron is a big-market talent who realistically belongs on a big-market team. We in Cleveland should be drinking jars of LeBron's urine if he made it a condition of signing a contract extension.
Booing him? Because he's human and missed some free throws and some of the fans were human and got frustrated for a few minutes? That's just not acceptable.
I have an idea. Let's make a no-argument law for marriages, too. The first time a husband and wife have a disagreement, the marriage is null and void.
That will make sure nobody ever upsets anybody else, and we keep our emotions all bottled up where they belong.
That would be an especially good law here among us desperate, boot-licking Clevelanders. Good practice for walking on eggshells around our superstar, who is always a sneeze away from leaving.

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