What Cleveland sports has taught me

I deserve something.
If I am among a minority of sports fans around the country who have never experienced a hometown championship, who have never known the feeling of skipping work to go downtown to watch the title parade, I should at least get something out of my near-lifelong devotion to the teams of Cleveland.
And I think I have. It doesn't quite qualify as a consolation prize, but King Solomon would have been proud. I have gained wisdom.
Read on, and drink in the lessons that have come from the city by the lake.

Never underestimate yourself. Your opponent is not the Big Bad Wolf, and you are not the Three Little Pigs.
--LeBron James

Keep things in perspective. No matter the final score, a billion people in China don't care that you played the game.
--Sam Rutigliano

Never challenge the fat guy to a fight.
--Paul Byrd

It's OK to let your anger out in a constructive fashion, such as destroying a buffet table with a baseball bat.
--Albert Belle

Always wear a helmet when you are practicing high-speed motorcycle stunts in a deserted parking lot.
--Kellen Winslow Jr.

If Michael Jordan is going up for a game-winning shot, make sure you're not the one guarding him, otherwise you are going to be immortalized in a very bad way.
--Craig Ehlo

The most important six inches in football are between the breastbone and the backbone.
--Marty Schottenheimer

...Unless those six inches are right in front of the goal line in the AFC Championship Game.
--Earnest Byner

In Cleveland, winning a playoff series qualifies as a miracle.
--1976 Cavaliers

If your man isn't open, always, always, always throw it to the blonde in the fifth row.
--Brian Sipe

Never insult someone's momma right before he's about to take the mound against you.
--David Wells

Stick with the fastball when the game's on the line.
--Jose Mesa

If your team is bad, admit it.
--Bill Fitch, Chris Palmer

If your team is bad, don't admit it.
--Butch Davis

If your team is bad, say it's "all part of the process."
--Eric Wedge

In theory, a contender can be manufactured out of toothpicks and rubber bands.
--Larry Dolan

If you really don't want people to publish your postgame comments, just mumble.
--Bill Belichick

If you are going to move your team and rip your city's heart out, make sure you go about it in the most up-front, dignified way possible.
--Art and David Modell

Rehab is for quitters. So are diets.
--Shawn Kemp

It's never, ever about the money.
--Jim Thome, Manny Ramirez, Albert Belle, Kevin Millwood, etc., etc.