Saturday, July 29, 2006

Give Floyd Landis a break

So Tour de France winner Floyd Landis tested positive for elevated testosterone levels. Big deal. I am ready to forgive. Why aren't you? He didn't duck the accusations. He appeared in front of the cameras Friday and addressed the issue.
In an era when suspected doper Barry Bonds is closing in on baseball's all-time home run record, and fellow suspected doper Jason Giambi offered an apology but never specified exactly for what, Landis' candid approach is refreshing.
He sat down, stared those cameras eye-to-eye, and admitted .... that he has a freakishly high level of naturally-occurring testosterone in his system.
Wait, huh?
So what exactly is he admitting to by announcing that he has a surplus of natural testosterone in his system? That's such a loaded comment, it goes far beyond whether Landis deserves to keep his Tour de France title.
It's like a bank cornering an employee accused of theft and the employee saying, "I used to run a gambling ring for the mob."
You just opened a whole other can of worms, Mr. Landis. We might never find out exactly what elevated levels of testosterone means, but we can guess:

1. Landis needs his athletic supporters special ordered in size XXXXXL.
2. Landis only learned to walk normally last year.
3. Landis needs special sperm count-friendly bike seats.
4. Landis' bum hip is the result of added weight in his pelvic region.
5. Landis refers to Lance Armstrong as "Johnny One-Nut."
6. Landis named two of his male-specific organs "John Stockton" and "Karl Malone" because they work so well together.
7. Dozens of sperm banks have briefed Landis on supply-chain management.
8. Landis would love to wear Spandex more often, but it hurts too much.
9. Landis will soon meet with fashion designers to create a line of loose-crotch outerwear suitable for "the well-endowed man on the go."
10. Landis will begin a nationwide television ad campaign called "I don't take Viagra. Suckers."

With all that in mind, I don't see how the Tour de France will revoke Landis' championship. After all, you don't want to make a man with naturally high testosterone levels angry.

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