As players arrive at training facilities around the NFL, so do the cameras and microphones. Here are some things I'd like to hear those recording devices pick up as training camp gets underway:
"I'm not wearing a helmet on the field anymore. They're confining, cumbersome and the ladies can't get a good look at my manly stubble. Besides, I am a careful football player. I take every precaution to make sure I don't get hurt."
"I ditched the motorcycle riding for boating. It's just as cool as motorcycles. Ask any boater. You got to dodge all those jet skiers out there. They don't give a crap about you. And I don't give a crap about them. It's every man for himself out on the lake. I'll kill them if I have to. This is war! I'm a sailor!"
--Kellen Winslow Jr.
"Stop asking my son about boating, or I'll put your head through a fiberglass hull, little man."
-Kellen Winslow Sr.
"Routes? I ain't gotta run no damn routes. They know where I am."
"Grebsr frwqusr playbfegeh .... Quarterbafdkfsdfv shhgehf kmbfznxefel."
"What's it like to have hot sex with Paris Hilton? I don't know. I haven't been able to get on her schedule in three months."
"Holy shit, I signed with the Arizona Cardinals?"
"T.O. ain't gotta run no damn routes. He knows who he has to block downfield."
"My bunions hurt. Where are my dentures? That girl is ugly. You all suck. I'm moving my team to China."
"Who needs the NFL? If you pop these little green pills and close your eyes, you can imagine yourself at a football game. Klingons versus a race of super-intelligent spider people. On the Sun."
--Nondescript Los Angeles football fan
"Hee hee.... ha ha haha ..... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! (puff puff) .... Canada. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
"It must be tough for all the other guys in this locker room, knowing they'll never be as good as me ... wait, what do you mean I'm cut?"
"Every cornerback in the NFL is my bitch. I'm taking out a full-page ad in every newspaper in the country to let them know how much they all suck, and how I'm going to embarrass them this year. And I ain't stopping at cornerbacks. I personally challenge Hezbollah to come over and try to kick my ass. Send your best over here. Just try to get me. You can't do it. I positively rule."
"Santonio Holmes is going to be out for a few weeks. I caught him selling marijuana in the men's room, and I chin-butted him."
"We regret to inform our fans that Donovan McNabb will miss the entire 2006 season after burning his throwing hand on a scalding hot bowl of Chunky Soup."
--News release from the Philadelphia Eagles
"We regret to inform our fans that, due to repeated failures on the part of management, we have decided to close our football operations and open a Chunky Soup canning plant."
--News release from Lions GM Matt Millen
"The beginning of football season is .... (sob) oh, I promised myself I wouldn't do this ... it's so damn beautiful (SOB). I ... I just love everything about it. I just love these guys and love their dedication (SOB SOB). I'd put a knife in my gut for these guys. I really would. It's just so damn beautiful...."