Friday, July 21, 2006

Hot for Hillenbrand

Shea Hillenbrand is a man without a team for very obvious reasons. He didn't just sulk when he got benched by Blue Jays manager John Gibbons, he got livid.
You think Lou Piniella and Rob Dibble didn't see fist-to-eye? You think Davey Johnson and Bobby Bonilla got chippy with each other? You ain't seen nothing yet.
Hillenbrand and Gibbons hate each other. That's said about a lot of players and coaches, but it's true here.
After getting benched for a couple of days, Hillenbrand reportedly wrote that the Blue Jays are "a sinking ship" on a clubhouse dry-erase board, which caused Gibbons to tell Hillenbrand that he "wouldn't see the field as long as I'm here."
That set Hillenbrand off, which reportedly caused Gibbons to challenge Hillenbrand to an old-fashioned barroom brawl. Fists didn't fly, but Gibbons reportedly went to Blue Jays management afterward with a "he goes or I go" ultimatum. So the Jays designated Hillenbrand for assignment, and will attempt to trade him.
Hillenbrand is a high-temperature player. And, you know what, I think he'd be a perfect fit for the Indians, a team with a thermostat set at a constant 68 degrees.
So, how about it, Mark Shapiro? Want to put some hot sauce on your steak? Want to live dangerously? Want to make a right-hand turn without signaling? Then trade for Hillenbrand.
Eric Wedge will love you for it. Can't you just see it now?

Hillenbrand comes storming into Wedge's office after finding out he's not in the lineup....

Hillenbrand: I'M NOT PLAYING TODAY, HUH, MOTHERF&%KER?? WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?? YOU WANNA MANAGE FROM A HOSPITAL BED, BITCH?? (knocks some pencils off Wedge's desk and glares at him).

Wedge (thumbing through paperwork): Well, Shea, if you look at section eight of the team bylaws, paragraph 22, subsection 1.4, you'll see that I lawfully reserve the right to take players out of the lineup on an as-needed basis, provided the proper statutory requirements have been met and I've filed an AZ-422 form with the front office and sent requisite copies to Mr. Dolan and Mark Shapiro. It's all here in this accordion folder---

Hillenbrand (slapping the folder out of Wedge's hands): THAT'S A LOAD OF BULLSH*T!! I THINK YOU'RE JUST ANOTHER C#&KSU&%KER WHO WANTS TO TRADE ME TO JAPAN!! THAT'S WHAT I THINK!! I'LL PUT YOUR HEAD THROUGH A WALL!! LET'S GO OUTSIDE!! LET'S DO THIS!! (kicks over a chair).

Wedge: Unfortunately, by threatening physical violence, you have now created an unsafe and/or threatening work environment, which is not permissible under the Unsafe And/Or Threatening Work Environment Act of 2003. Now we will have to fill out, co-sign and file a Form XY-22-DSH1 with the Labor Practices Board and wait for them to convene, which could take 6-to-8 weeks. I can't play you until they have made a ruling on this interaction.

Hillenbrand: THIS IS BULLSH*T! I'LL KICK YOUR ASS! (stands chest to chest with Wedge).

(In walks Mark Shapiro)

Shapiro: What's all the racket in here? It sounds like someone is creating an unsafe and/or threatening work environment.

Wedge: Unfortunately, it was Mr. Hillenbrand. I have informed him of the requisite paperwork he now needs to fill out and submit.

Shapiro: Good job, Mr. Wedge.

Wedge: And as always, a good job done by you, Mr. Shapiro.

Both Wedge and Shapiro speak: Well, now, Mr. Hillenbrand--

Wedge: I apologize. Please proceed, Mr. Shapiro

Shapiro: Oh, no, that was my fault, please continue.

Wedge: Oh, I insist. It's better you speak to the insubordinate player.

Hillenbrand: WHAT, IS THIS TEAM RUN BY F&%KING POD PEOPLE?? THIS IS BULLSH*T. I GOTTA GO KICK SOMEBODY'S ASS!! WHERE'S THAT LITTLE F&%KER, VAZQUEZ?? (he storms out of the office.)

Shapiro: You know, it's time to approve the bathroom use requisitions from the past 24 hours.

Wedge: Oh, I love to do that! (motions to the office door) After you, Mr. Shapiro.

Shapiro: No, no after you.

Wedge: No, after you, I insist.

Shapiro: Absolutely not. After you....

3 comments:

Zach said...

Shapiro: Hilenbrand didn't fit the realities of the market. If you look at our market, getting a player of his ability wouldn't suit him or our organization. The market dictates we select players suitable for this market, in a market-friendly atmosphere. We'd all like to go to the market and get a steak, but our market forces our market to market. Market.

Joel said...

That's good stuff. I am laughing in the office, which, apparently like the Blue Jays' clubhouse, is strictly frowned upon.

Sussman said...

Since when did Wedge and Shapiro hail from Saskatchewan?