Bill Simmons has spoken, and if you are a Cleveland sports fan, you should start crying like a little Barry Bonds girl. Because that is what you are.
In his column breaking down the playoff chances of American League teams, Simmons says Cleveland fans are "like women."
"If they ask you how they look, just tell them, 'You look fine, you look great' or else you're in for 20 minutes of pure hell," he says.
Simmons is right to a point. But there is a big difference. When a woman bites the head off her significant other for criticizing her, it's usually because the woman opened the door, and the man buffoonishly walked right into "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big"-land, which invariably leads to a no-good-way-out situation, where even silence is certain death.
When Cleveland teams suck, we don't go around asking Boston, New York and Pittsburgh fans "does our team suck?" We know when our teams suck. We have a very acute sense of suck. We are well-versed in suck and recognize suck when we see it.
Virtually all the criticism Cleveland fans receive about their teams is unsolicited. Which makes us far different from the woman who asks if her Spandex workout shorts accentuate her thighs too much.
Simmons says he's sick of the volumes of whiny e-mails he gets every time he writes something negative about a Cleveland team. Personally, I think Simmons got off on the wrong foot with his "LeBron is out of Cleveland the first chance he gets" prediction. That's like telling a parent "Your child is going to run away the first chance he gets." That hit just a little too close to the heart.